Lesson 1 - Expectations and Agreements
By Nisandeh and Vered Neta
No-Problem-Marriage-Counseling.Com
Hello Friends,
Welcome to your first lesson in The Art of Lovemaking
course.
Just before you "dive in", both of you need to make some agreements together.
The degree to which you benefit from this course depends on how much you actually DO the course.
In the following 52 weeks you're going to establish your own communication, intimacy and sexuality toolbox. And like any other toolbox - its value can only be established when you actively open it, and use the tools it contains.
Without utilizing and subsequently practicing the tools and techniques we're going to teach you, it would be unrealistic to expect results. However, when you do choose to use them, expect 52 weeks of intimate sexual pleasure...
So the first agreement should be made with yourself - that is, give everything we mention a try.
Later you can decide, "this works for us" or "this doesn't work for us".
An essential tool you'll need to master in order to gain the most benefit from the course is communication. This is the main tool necessary for the improvement of all areas of your relationship, especially your lovemaking.
So the second agreement that need to be made, is the agreement to communicate with each other openly, directly and honestly, concerning whatever you are feeling throughout the course.
And the very first communication should be, the clarification of your expectations concerning this course.
Like anything in life - when commencing something new - there are both excitement and many expectations.
And each one of you must have your expectations when it comes to improving your love life.
It is immaterial, how long you have been together, how intimate you are, or how well you usually communicate - it is vital to begin with the clarification of your expectations.
We can tell you from personal painful experiences - that every time we didn't communicate our expectations before a new adventure - we ended up with a disappointment of various sorts.
Although we know each other intimately, we still come from different standpoints, and see things in a different light. Therefore, naturally, we expect different things.
However, when these varying expectations were not communicated clearly, the end result was invariably that one (or both) of us were disappointed.
So we learned, the hard way, to communicate our expectations in all instances, even before we go on vacation...
It is vital that you continue to communicate with each other why in fact, you want to follow the course, what are the results you wish to achieve, how much time you want to devote to it, etc.
Today's Practice
Plan 2-3 hours of uninterrupted time together, when you're not tired or preoccupied with other external matters.
This time should be devoted to discussing your expectations, and to the making of essential agreements between you.
We know that it's not that easy to talk about sex. One of the reasons is the mixed messages we received from our families and culture. The other reason is the close tie between sex and our emotions.
It might feel risky to reveal your questions, concerns, or doubts.
You might be afraid that your partner might judge you, criticize you, ridicule you and even reject you, particularly if whilst growing up, expressions of affection and sexuality in your families, caused these kinds of reactions.
So it is a vital practice this week - to commit yourself to creating the space to have this talk and to ascertain both of your expectations.
Here are some guidelines that will help you building trust and strengthening the lines of communication:
- Timing - Find a time that is mutually agreeable when neither of you is hungry, tired, preoccupied, or emotionally drained.
- Setting - Choose a quiet, private place free from distractions.
- Tone - Be willing to listen without judgment or defensiveness.
- Feelings - State clearly what you feel rather than what you think your partner is feeling. Instead of "You-statements," use "I-statements" ("I feel uneasy").
- Learn to say and hear the word "No".
Once you've established the correct setting, make sure that you each has sufficient time to express yourself and to be heard without interruption from the other party. If you are the listener, ensure that you listen without judgment or criticism of the other.
Be certain that you cover the following issues:
- What you would like to achieve from doing this course.
- What you would like to create in your relationship. Include values (i.e. intimacy, togetherness, passion,
etc...) as well as tangible results (i.e. weekly time together, vacation together, special date,
etc...)
- What you think needs to be improved in your sex life.
- Issues that you would like to learn about.
- How you would like your partner to support you in this process.
- What you like about your sex life today.
Make agreements between you concerning the following:
- How much time a week you want to devote to the practice of lovemaking.
- How would you like to do it (when, where, etc...)
- Agree to have a clear, honest and direct communication regarding your process.
- Agree to always say yes to sex (as described in yesterday's introduction letter).
Do you need additional guidance, support or information?
This week's suggested reading:
Seven Habits of Highly Successful Couples
by Nisandeh
Next lesson
Like any other art, you need to practice the art of lovemaking in order to become really good at it...
In order to create the best environment for practicing the art of lovemaking you will need to create a space where your senses
are aroused and your juices flowing.
So next lesson we'll focus on creating the right atmosphere for lovemaking...
Live
Passionately,
Nisandeh and Vered
About the instructors
Vered
has focused on relationship and communication issues as the facilitator of
workshops and individual counseling sessions with more than 22,000 people since
1990.
Nisandeh has focused on relationships, intimacy, and sexuality
issues as the facilitator of smaller workshops and individual counseling
sessions with more than 4,000 people since 1996.
They are the creators and leaders of the Life
Partnership training and Art
of Intimacy and Art
of Relating workshops.
They both write extensively for online
and print magazines around the world.
Copyright © 2003 Nisandeh & Vered Neta. All rights reserved.
With the exception of one print copy for your own personal use, the copyrighted material from
The
Art of Lovemaking course may not be reproduced, forwarded, or redistributed by any means, print or electronic.
This material may not be incorporated into other programs/training.
Disclaimer: All material provided by
Nisandeh and Vered Neta is provided for educational purposes only. Keep in mind that this material is not intended to be a substitute for professional
counseling.
Contact Information
www.no-problem-marriage-counseling.com
Nisandeh and Vered Neta
Wethouder Driessenstraat 157
1107 XJ Amsterdam
The Netherlands
Phone: +31 (0) 20-691 61 22
Fax: +31 (0) 20-609 76 73
E-mail: info@no-problem-marriage-counseling.com
