Lesson 3 - Opening to Trust
By Nisandeh and Vered Neta
No-Problem-Marriage-Counseling.Com
Hello Friends,
One of the most important ingredients in a relationship is TRUST.
A deep level of communication must exist between you and your partner. When you feel a heart-to-heart connection with each other, communication becomes communion, and lovemaking can carry you into an experience of ecstasy. You and your partner will be able to create your OWN language!
Sex is such an intimate and opening experience that it often creates situations in which fears are aroused in spite of our attempts to block them out.
Sometimes when we have a desire to make love, we become afraid to show our feelings. We are afraid of being rejected.
We believe that expressing fears or negative thoughts about our partner will create distance. Actually, speaking the truth is healing. And if we learned how to receive it, it creates intimacy rather than distance.
So learn to be honest and let your partner know exactly how you feel.
As you explore the art of lovemaking, it is also likely that feelings of insecurity or of hurt will surface during the practice.
In a way, these practices have the same effect as love.
They open you to beautiful feelings, but in doing so they allow old, unexpressed resentments from difficult sexual experiences in the past to surface.
For example, you may be geared up and ready to start a practice; yet shortly after you begin, you may be surprised to find yourself fearful.
These feelings are normal. In fact, they are healthy sign because their sudden reappearance shows you are allowing more energy into your system. You are making progress in breaking out of limiting patterns of behavior.
In today's lesson you will learn:
- exercises that teach you gradually to master your
fears;
- to acknowledge your apprehension and to reveal it to your partner in a way that is healing for both of you. Once you have both talked openly about your fears, you may find that a bond of trust has begun to develop between you. You may start to feel that you can be more spontaneous, relaxed and open with each other. This calling to increasingly let down your guard is an important aspect of the art of lovemaking because relating in a natural and defenseless way with your partner opens the door to sexual ecstasy.
There is a kind of progression in opening yourself up to trust that, when verbalized, goes something like this:
"The more you trust me, the more I feel accepted.
The more I feel accepted, the more open and vulnerable I can be with you.
The more open and vulnerable we are with each other, the more intimacy we can share.
The more intimacy we share, the more our love will grow."
Trust is also a way of describing the friendship that can develop between the two of you. Especially once the first rush of romance has passed, when you begin to see and confront differences - when one of you wishes to make love and the other does not, or when one of you wishes to be touched in a certain way that the other finds unappealing.
In this context trust means that beyond these contradictions, there is a bigger picture, a wider sense of commitment. You feel that you are on a common path and that the interaction between you is teaching both of you how to become more mature and understanding.
In an atmosphere of trust, you do not blame your partner for not fulfilling your desires. You accept the fact that in some ways you are different, yet recognize that you both bring precious gifts to the relationship that can make it nourishing and rewarding.
Today's Practice
Today's practice is made up of three games. They are fun, yet confronting. So, be mindful and present when playing and take care to share with each other your experiences, immediately after completion of each game.
Trust Walk
You will need to have the house to yourself (no kids, guests, loose pets, etc…) and a blindfold.
One of you should be the leader and blindfold your partner.
Your job is to take your blindfolded partner on a tour around the house, without touching them, using only MINIMAL verbal instructions.
Once your blindfolded partner is feeling safe you can take more adventurous paths, like walking up and down the stairs, climbing a chair or the bed, in between the kids' toys, etc…
After 10-15 minutes complete the first round with a hug and
take a few minutes to share with each other your experience.
Then change over and play again.
Taking Charge
This exercise is performed in a standing position.
Ask your partner to stand in a relaxed posture so that she feels secure and balanced. She should close her eyes and focus on her breath and sensations of movement.
Position yourself behind her body.
With the lightest of touches, begin to direct her, pushing her gently to the side with one hand, and catching her with the other.
Stay relaxed as you confidently take charge of her movements, keeping perfectly in tune with her sense of balance.
Gracefully and quietly move her body so that she is unable to guess the angle of the next movement. Roll her gently from side to side and back and forth, so that her body falls easily from one hand into the other.
Help her to loosen her hips and pelvis by circling this area between your hands. As she relaxes and yields, allow her whole body to surrender to your hand directions, the movements can be gradually enlarged.
When you feel complete bring the movement to a halt. Hug and share with each other your
experience.
Then change over and play again.
Initially, as a man, you may find it difficult to surrender your body to these movements, fearing you are too big or heavy to let her take charge. If you are able to relax and release your body's rigidity, she will be able to move you with ease. So loosen up and enjoy!
Trust Fall
This game requires the total attention of the active partner.
ONLY play it if you are confident about catching and supporting the weight of your partner's body.
Ask her to stand in front of you, fully relaxed and with eyes closed.
Position yourself behind, allowing enough space for her to fall back into your arms.
When she is ready, she allows herself to fall slowly backwards, trusting that you are there for her.
The more physically relaxed she is able to remain, the easier it is for her to fall.
As she tilts back, catch her securely in your arms, so that her upper back is supported and her head and neck rest against your chest or shoulder. Hold her against you for some moments, so she becomes aware of what she is feeling, then gently ease her back to a standing position.
Repeat the exercise twice more.
And then, if you feel confident enough, change over.
Share with each other your experiences and if it feels right for both of you complete the lesson with gentle massage or soft lovemaking.
Have Fun!
Do you need additional guidance, support or information?
This week's suggested reading:
Who's
Afraid of Intimacy by Vered Neta
Next lesson
We are going to learn how to practice sensual play, without actually having sex.
That means focusing on really getting to know each other in the deepest sense.
Sensual play is basically slow-motion foreplay and can last for hours. Mmmmmm... imagine hours of pleasure. Sounds good... well, it's just one week away...
Live
Passionately,
Nisandeh and Vered
About the instructors
Vered
has focused on relationship and communication issues as the facilitator of
workshops and individual counseling sessions with more than 22,000 people since
1990.
Nisandeh has focused on relationships, intimacy, and sexuality
issues as the facilitator of smaller workshops and individual counseling
sessions with more than 4,000 people since 1996.
They are the creators and leaders of the Life
Partnership training and Art
of Intimacy and Art
of Relating workshops.
They both write extensively for online
and print magazines around the world.
Copyright © 2003 Nisandeh & Vered Neta. All rights reserved.
With the exception of one print copy for your own personal use, the copyrighted material from
The
Art of Lovemaking course may not be reproduced, forwarded, or redistributed by any means, print or electronic.
This material may not be incorporated into other programs/training.
Disclaimer: All material provided by
Nisandeh and Vered Neta is provided for educational purposes only. Keep in mind that this material is not intended to be a substitute for professional
counseling.
Contact Information
www.no-problem-marriage-counseling.com
Nisandeh and Vered Neta
Wethouder Driessenstraat 157
1107 XJ Amsterdam
The Netherlands
Phone: +31 (0) 20-691 61 22
Fax: +31 (0) 20-609 76 73
E-mail: info@no-problem-marriage-counseling.com
